MTFFL

During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jell-O at his wife. She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon

Two police officers responded to a crime scene behind a grocery store. "What happened?" asked the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," said the first officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right" said the second officer. "I'm afraid this is the work of a cereal killer."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix...don't drink and derive.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

i hate you hog...

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
BONG!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police office asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said, "I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

Census taker: How many children do you have?
Woman: Four.
Census taker: May I have their names, please?
Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.
Census taker: Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?
Woman: Because we didn't want any Mo.

Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.

Did you hear the one about the mushroom who couldn't get a date?

"I don't know why the girls don't like me. I'm such a fungi.